Blaugust 2025: Tired
There’s no escaping that part of what makes going in for another round of making videogames more difficult is that I am very, very tired.
I joke a lot about this being the fault of 2025 and there’s certainly some element of truth to that but it’s not like the world around me hasn’t weighed heavily before or anything. It’s quite simply that my body is, to coin a phrase, fucked.
And whilst there’s a certain degree of things feeling much more uphill now, it’s long been the case and really, the main difference between me being tired in 2025 and me being tired in 1995 is that people believe me when I say the fatigue is doing me in and don’t just assume I’m being lazy/weird/whatever. Largely now, people just nod.
Some of it is age, some of it is knowing more people who have their own things to contend with, some of it is being around fewer arseholes and, the one I find especially depressing for many reasons, some of it is still living through a pandemic where more people find themselves having fatigue thrust upon them. I try not to be angry about the latter but in all honesty, I just am. I just can’t spend too much time angry because it makes the fatigue worse and I’ve got to get things done though. Bugger.
This is not a post where I suddenly swerve off into advice or share some wisdom on getting by, sorry. It’s just a post where I say I am very tired and it makes things rather more difficult and that it’s always been a thing. It’s why, no matter what it is, I’m forever chuffed whenever I do finish something, whether that’s a videogame, a doodle, a blog post or the washing up. Because I know doing anything is a pain in the arse anyway.
It’s also why I’m so uncertain as to whether I can manage to get from start to finish on another videogame. I know how I’m doing right now and even more importantly, I know what it took each and every other time in the past to get one out the door. And I know that even in something resembling more perfect health, putting something out into the world with all the things people go through, with all the fucked up systemic nonsense we all live under and the amount of things that can go awry at any one moment in time? Getting anything out there can be seriously uphill.
So I’m not being all negative when I say “I don’t know if I can do this”, just kind of accepting of the reality but secretly thinking, all the time, how happy I will be if I can. I honestly won’t be upset if I can’t either. Well, maybe a little bit! The fun is in the trying anyway. The joy of making stuff for me is in the making bit and having something to show at the end is just a nice bonus.
Let’s see how this one goes then.
Well. In a bit. I’m going for a nap now, this blogpost was exhausting.